The Downward Spiral

My good friend Tom offered to lend me 10,000 yen, and this is what I felt I had to say to him, aside from that I was very grateful and touched:

I don't really know what to do. Collin and Garrett went to the philosophers' trail today, which is something I really wanted to do, but I feel like I can't really afford all the train and bus fares, and all the constant expenses that occur whenever you leave your hotel here. Seems like everywhere I go I'm just bleeding money. I've already racked up more debt than I wanted on this trip, and spent more of my cash than I had hoped, and I feel like it needs to stop somewhere and it won't if I just keep asking people for money. I already had to ask my dad if he would loan me money just so I can apply to law school. I don't have a job and I don't know when I'm going to have any money. I don't know where I'm going to live when I get back; probably I will have to live with my parents, which in itself is not that bad, but then I would have to get a job in the middle of nowhere and I would be unable to move into my own place somewhere else where I could actually do the things I want to do that my parents probably wouldn't be okay with or be around my friends while I'm still in Colorado.

I really want to take you up on your offer, but then I will just keep spending and spending and spending and it's not a realistic way for me to live right now. I feel like if I'm given the means I will just keep accumulating more debt, the weight of which is already starting to crush me. Like, if I don't stop now, when will I? Where will I draw the line if not right now? I can just keep on justifying the money I spend with "I'm only in Japan now" forever, but that justification doesn't mean anything with respect to my actual financial situation. I've gotten myself into this mess and I feel like the only thing I can do about it right now is stop digging the hole deeper and deeper.

Right now I have like 7000 yen left probably, maybe a little more, and I'm just trying to save enough of it to do something with my friends who are living in Japan on the 17th and then Kyle after that, any hopefully get a gift or two for my parents and Cheri and maybe a couple of other people.

So yeah, I desperately want to take your money, and it would be used to party like a rockstar I'm sure, but basically I am too depressed right now to do so.


Fuck.
I wouldn't say I regret anything about what I've done here so far, but you can still find yourself in a dark place walking a path that was entirely well lit.

Anyways I'm not in trouble or anything; I still have enough money and I could withdraw more if I so chose. It's more that I need to be a little more responsible by maybe doing less of the things I had hoped to do to save some money instead of feeding myself irrelevant justifications for spending.