September 30: Goodbye

I'm guessing we got something at Berkeley Bowl in the morning. Actually I know we did. Then we walked over to a cafe and sat outside at a small table. We didn't say too much. Susan got high on some caffeine. We ate fruit. I smoked a cigarette. Mostly we stared into each other's eyes and I tried to feel emotions. How surreal. I met Susan when I was a senior in high school, although I didn't know it then. I met her again at this very house in Larkspur in the summer of 2008, although again I didn't really connect the dots. She showed up at the apartment Colleen and I had, at a party, and tooled everyone pretending to be more drunk than she was. Then I randomly ran into her at NDK. Tiny bits and pieces, coincidences and teases.

I didn't really know Susan until one day when we went to the aquarium in Denver, and she took me on a tour of the city, where she had been living, and walking. She dressed up as my "magical faerie guide," a title she gave herself with a hint of irony I can't quite put my finger on. I can't say we talked all that much, but we didn't really need to. I can't say I knew a whole lot about her, but I didn't need to. We were on our first adventure - a sort of state that comes with its own vocabulary and peculiarities, that, with Susan, always evolves into a story of our own immediate creation. At night we sat in her loft in a ghetto part of Denver where a huge speaker played Christian radio just outside her window on the roof all day and night. "Who are you?" I thought. I was hooked on this person: "Susan."

Why do I feel this way about you? When I'm with you. There's this feeling that I cannot explain in words or by touch, but only by the barest act of looking directly at you. And every time I do I see something that I have never seen in anyone else.

Susan is a wanderer in my life. She comes and goes as she pleases. For a week I wandered into hers... like stumbling into a beautiful impressionist painting by the sea. We had our longest adventure yet; I wanted to tell the story to all of you who read this, but now I think only Susan and I can read it, and it has no words. I sat at the small table looking at her with the utmost gratitude for this feeling that I can't describe. For this intensity. It's silly but I cried a single tear while I looked at her, sad to see our time together disappear. I said something that in hindsight I find very cheesy but I found appropriate for the experience I had had with her.

We walked to the BART station and I bought my ticket to the airport where I would leave Susan and my vacation behind. I gave Susan a hug and we said goodbye. I feel like now some circle, maybe one among many between us, that started that day when she said "cheers" in Denver, became complete the day I left San Francisco... and I am hoping for many more to come.

Lesbian Unicorn and Magical Faerie Guide, from Denver to San Francisco: The End

September 29: Conflict

I don't think I'm doing a very good job of this. Or at least, it's not really living up to my expectations.

In fact, I don't think I can do this.

On the 29th we went over to the waterfront near Berkeley, next to a place called the landfill, and sat around for awhile. I started to consider the idea of why I feel jealousy, and decided it's probably rooted in my insecurity and some sort of inferiority complex that I have had since before I was even in second grade. Then we went to Berkeley Bowl; the only particular highlight of which I remember was a very long hug before we went in, as we had had a rather emotional conversation immediately preceding. Then we went back to the downtown area and had a food coma in the grass beneath some palm trees. I had a couple of beers and Susan had some caffeine. Susan almost never talks, except when she's high on caffeine, at which point she starts talking a lot, which I find really cute. We had another emotional conversation. Then we walked down to fisherman's wharf, where I ate at In n' Out Burger, we saw a guy dressed up as a dog who had two dogs wearing hats and sunglasses, and some dudes asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed with them. But we were in a hurry to get back to the floor we were sleeping on to not keep up our host.

As I mentioned, we had a couple of "emotional conversations," aka "fights?" or maybe "conflicts." One interesting thing that occurred therein was that Susan said that my getting kind of angry made her excited. I don't want to put words in her mouth but I presume excited that something was happening. I can see how ordinary conversation would get boring if you're used to only having intense emotional ones.

I also became tempted by two ideas: Hiding, which in the end I think I will still dismiss, and relatedly an idea that goes kind of like "if everyone is just going to do what they want and that has nothing to do with how I think or feel, then what's the point of expressing things that are going to cause some sort of conflict with this person?" But I think that essentially boils down to this: "If I can't change someone by saying something, I may as well not say anything at all," and I think in the end that that is absurd. I have to believe that the point of all conversation is not to change other people. And in practice I would say that communication, even that which causes conflict (which I believe one CAN find enjoyable in any case) is better than its lack.

Oh yes, and earlier I said that I would explain "the tension." When it comes down to it this is basically the feeling that I, and I believe Susan also, feel when I am not in tune with what she is feeling. Like, if I am mulling or brooding over a problem, or if I am confused, or just generally not expressing myself, then Susan picks up on that feeling, but for her it feels like... feeling uncomfortable for some reason and not knowing why she can't feel okay around me, and then that in turn feeds back on itself and I feel uncomfortable because I start perceiving her feeling uncomfortable. At least, that's what I think it is right now. Obviously I can never know what she's feeling at any given moment. But certainly one of our conflicts was resolved in large part just from me telling her that I was feeling some kind of problem or discomfort, and that made her feel better because she knew that she wasn't feeling weird for no reason, and that in turn made me feel a little better because we were coming to some kind of mutual understanding.

Overall this day with all its conflicts and emotional ups and downs was one of the best.

September 28: Getting Authentic

So Marta woke us up with a funny song and we folded up the futon and cleaned everything up. This was the first time in a long time that I felt pretty rested. It was pretty hot day outside, and Susan and I were getting a little tired of carrying out bags everywhere all the time.

First order of business was food, and unfortunately the only place that was pretty close was a Whole Foods. We went in there and started picking up the daily fruits and vegetables, and then Susan saw how long the lunch-time line was and we aborted the plan temporarily. We headed over to the movie theater, as we were still really close to downtown and Susan wanted to use the internet. We relaxed there for some time, which was fine by me as I wanted my feet to not hurt for as long as possible. Eventually I offered to go get stuff from Whole Foods while she watched our stuff so we wouldn't have to carry it. She said she was just about to suggest that she go do that, but I said I wanted to go. So I went and acquired our food and came back to the theater, where we ate for awhile.

The plan for the day was to walk over and see China Town (San Francisco has the biggest China Town in the United States), then over to some other places and eventually back to Baker Beach where there would be people fire-spinning. So we went to China Town. I liked China Town a lot; I actually felt in some ways more comfortable there where I couldn't understand what everyone was saying than I did in the rest of San Francisco. There were people playing Mah Jong, stores with chickens hanging in the windows, and people shouting in Chinese everywhere. It was kind of funny to see some people selling Japanese stuff as Chinese. The food looked pretty delicious; I wish I had had money to eat stuff there but I did not.

Like I said, it was very hot that day, so I decided I wanted a double-chocolate-chip-frappuccino from Starbucks. We went in and I ordered and sat down. They mistakenly made a big green tea that no one was claiming, Susan informed me. She eventually went and took it and left. Smooth. I got my drink and went out to meet her. We walked over to Union Square with our drinks and sat down on some steps. Union Square is pretty cool; there are big billboards and lots of tall buildings all around. There's a big pillar or something in the center that was dedicated by Teddy Roosevelt, which was pretty cool too. After a little while Susan asked me "Do you want to play a game?"
"The most intense game?" I replied, smiling a little knowingly. She smiled back and responded in the affirmative. The day before when I had checked out the Authentic World website before going to meet what I thought would be them but was in fact just Susan, I had read about "the most intense game" on their front page. We talked about it a bit. She explained the rules to me - they were different coming from her than on the website, but I believe they were essentially the same principles - do what you want, don't do what you don't want, no hiding (how you feel), and no shaming (people for feeling something). She wanted to know why I wanted to play the game with her. She thought I would want to out of curiosity for the way she lives. That's certainly a part of it; I am curious. But I felt strongly that that missed the point. I wasn't there in San Francisco out of mere curiosity. I was there to spend time with someone I loved, whatever that entailed. I didn't want to play this game with her because I was dispassionately curious about her lifestyle; I wanted to do it because I am fascinated by Susan's "way of being," and I want to learn about how she has gotten to such points as I had never previously imagined. I wanted to be closer to her, which is something that seemed pretty intrinsic to this method of communication. She seemed to think that that would not necessarily be the case. Earlier on this trip I had told her that I found her very difficult to read and that I wished she would express herself more, which is something she doesn't want, and is therefore unwilling, to do. She believed that my idea of being closer to her is her expressing her emotions to me more often. Well, I guess that's one part of it. It's also the reverse. It's also honesty and being in some mutual understanding and lots of other things. Anyways I would say that through the game I did end up closer to her, and I am surprised that she was hesitant to allow that to be a good reason for me to do it with her.

Overall, I didn't really know what to expect, but I was nervous and excited to find out. Especially nervous. I had misgivings about the fact that I didn't really know how to play this game, and although the rules seemed simple I doubted that I really grasped them. I would just have to rely on her experience and example. We were talking about the whole expressiveness thing, and she said she was interested in finding out why I like people to express their emotions to me, but she didn't know if she could "create the space (or depth?) to make that conversation." I could only really guess what that meant. I thought about it and it was in fact an interesting question that no one had ever asked me before. In fact it had become so "obvious" to me that that would be desirable that I never really stopped to think it might not be totally common. I told her that I probably want people to be expressive toward me because I am very insecure, and all the time when I am with other people, even my friends, even with people who have specifically told me they want to be with me, like Susan was at that very moment, in the back of my mind I constantly worry that they are really just humoring me and that they wish they could be somewhere else, or be doing something else. I can't believe or understand why people would want to be around me. Susan said that that made her very sad - that that was actually the strongest emotion she had felt the entire time I had been there since she was happy when we first met.

We talked a lot about emotions - about how we are emotionally repressive people. About our parents and the things in our lives that have really wounded us. About what we should be living for - what's really important - and how our society seems backwards and inhibitory with respect to taking care of yourself and feeling your emotions and allowing other people to feel things with you. I actually managed to cry a little, and so did she, which is rare for both of us. It felt good. We decided to pretty much skip the rest of our touring for the day, and talked and spent time sitting around together instead.

We went over and sat at a modern art thingy we had been at a couple of times before. I started to become kind of depressed for some reason. In retrospect I wasn't playing the game all that well. But I was trying. We walked back toward the BART to go to Berkeley, where we were couch surfing that night. Amusingly, our host was the 3rd person living in a 2 bedroom apartment, so he also was sleeping on the living room floor with us. I didn't feel so tense around Susan for awhile. In Berkeley we stopped at a Thai restaurant; our initial plan had been Berkeley Bowl, of course, but it was closed by the time we got there. The restaurant was good. Then we went and found the apartment we were staying at.

Our host was a really nice guy, an architecture graduate student. On the wall next to us was a "wall of scribbles," where people drew cute cartoons and stuff on a big piece of paper hung on the wall. On the wall opposite us was a design our host had made, which was pretty cool. He had a couple of extra sleeping bags for us, and a pillow, which was awesome. We drank some tea and went to bed in the middle of the living room floor (but positioned so he could get to his bike and leave in the morning). It wasn't the most comfortable arrangement ever, but it was better than some I had had on this trip.

September 27th: Recharge

As expected the construction woke me up early in the morning. But at least I slept on a bed for a night. I took a shower, which was a nice change. Susan and I had the free breakfast that came with the bed separately. Interestingly enough sitting across from me were a Chinese lady and, get this, a Zainichi Japanese-born Korean. They started talking to each other, and I was kind of tempted to talk to them, but for some reason I wasn't really feeling it. Susan and I had some tea downstairs in the kitchen area and discussed our plans for the day, then we had to quickly check out of our rooms (hand in our keys and such). Technically I don't think we were allowed to be there after that, but our goal was to stay there as long as possible using their amenities and whatnot. We ate free food, and then went and laid in the grass by the battery for most of the morning and early afternoon. Susan talked to her parents for awhile in the patio area and I went and sat on a bench and smoked and danced a little. Then Susan made some lunch with bell peppers, some delicious mango salsa of some sort, koos koos, and broccoli, which was all wrappable in a tortilla. Not bad for a homeless lunch. It was quite delicious. I guess I was feeling a little disconnected from her by this time.

The eventual plan was that Susan was going to go to Authentic World, which I am not allowed to go to, during which I would hang out in downtown, and then I would go meet her nearby. I was kind of excited to meet her friends from Authentic World because I had gathered that she holds them in high regard. Initially it seemed as though she was very excited about that as well, and then I noticed her speech about it diminishing in excitement over time, which made me feel insecure and as though I had somehow not met her expectations. I have no idea what the reality of her feelings on it were. But anyway I do remember that after the resting, and probably some tea drinking and perhaps lunch eating, we were sitting out in front of the hostel overlooking the park. I asked her if she wanted some alone time and she said yes. There are other details to all this - she was going to meet me later or go to the airport in the intervening time... it doesn't really matter as it didn't materialize. What is important is that she said yes, and I was happy to feel knowing what she wanted. She drew me a map of how to get to the mall if I wanted to go there, or the theater where there was free wi-fi (both in downtown, she let me take her laptop), and I was happy to give her alone time by leaving.

It was good to be away from her a bit too - it was something I also had been wanting since "the tension" began, although I couldn't ever come to the point where I wanted to be alone more than I wanted to be with Susan. I walked for about an hour to get over to downtown, and went to the theater so I could use the internet. It was interesting to be back at the theater, as on the first day I arrived that is where we went, although I didn't know that at the time. I felt now like I had an understanding of the layout of the city. A bit of an understanding about the city in general. It was nice to just sit around and use the internet for awhile and do whatever I wanted. Eventually the time rolled around that I thought I should walk over to the area where Susan was doing AW so I could meet her at the decided time of 10:00. I guess I was a little nervous probably - I didn't know what to expect. I looked at there website one last time before I left. My plan was to find a place to eat on the way - it seemed like there were a ton of places on the way over that I had wanted to eat at, but actually on the way over to the AW area there weren't many, if any, that interested me. I also did a little sight-seeing around downtown. I sat on a bench between the streets that the map said enclosed the building where they were meeting and listened to music and smoked a cigarette. A ton of people kept walking out and in to the building I was sitting outside, and eventually when I stopped listening to music I found they were speaking to each other in a manner I thought consistent with how AW people probably interacted - talking openly about their emotions I guess. I wasn't sure if maybe I had unintentionally sat right outside of their meeting, though it turned out that these sorts of groups are just sort of popular in that area. I had been there a little while and I was really hungry but I didn't know what to do because I was expecting to have to meet Susan, so I took out my LSAT stuff and started looking into the truth tables for exclusive or, conditionals, and inclusive or trying to find some equivalents that I knew existed.

About an hour after I thought we were meeting Susan called and said we were going to meet at a pizza place that I had walked past and was right next to where I was. I went over there and got a pizza and briefly met one of the AW people, although he left fairly quickly so there was basically no meeting at all. Other than "T" at the co-op, in fact, I only met one other person from AW and that was Marta, who I was about to meet at the pizza place and whose living space we were going to sleep in that night. When I got there Susan immediately picked up on my being grumpy. I would say she notices before I do usually. It basically manifests in me talking really shortly and overly logically, in a way that I perceive to not LITERALLY be disagreeable, but which actually comes off as mean and callous and overly logically-minded. It's not something I really analyzed much until Susan called me out on it, and I don't really like it about myself. Anyway while we were waiting for Marta we had a discussion about how I felt about Susan losing track of time and how my tendency to swallow things of this nature makes her feel bad. In actuality I think I was just taking out my frustration with a situation that I didn't want to change and which I was fairly content with on Susan for no real reason.

We got our pizza and Marta came and we chatted for a bit. Their method of speaking is rife with jargon and is fairly atypical compared to standard conversational English. It makes the situation seem more cultish than I think is really warranted by the nature of what they're saying. I didn't have a problem with it personally but that was an observation of mine. Marta is very nice, and very open, which I would guess is a characteristic of most AW people. I guess I felt, and still feel kind of disappointed that I didn't ever meet any of Susan's other friends. I don't know if that's because Susan didn't want me to or whether it was just circumstantially not possible or what. The possibility of the former makes me feel sad, but I don't really know and it doesn't really matter now. There was another sort-of-opportunity where I could have gone with Susan to meet Decker, the guy who started this whole business, but Susan didn't want to do that because she feels she has to sort out her feelings with him and she doesn't want to do that with me around, and everything about that makes me feel a maelstrom of emotions that I work quickly, unconsciously, and efficiently to repress. But I liked Marta well enough. She has OCD in a couple of noticeable ways, which doesn't really bother me. When we drove over to her place we had to check the locks a bunch of times so she could be okay with it and whatnot. Just that kind of stuff. Marta lives in an office space that she's not allowed to live in, where she also runs her massage business. It was a neat little hippie-den with a futon Susan and I slept on. I frequently wanted to be cuddly with Susan and touch her, because that's just how I am I guess, but she wasn't really feeling that usually (except for warmth on homeless night), understandably, so by this point I was pretty much over the idea.

Marta asked what our plans for the next day were and I said to sleep as long as possible. She took that to heart and to my surprise I woke up around 11:30 or 11:45 to the sound of Marta singing us a silly wake-up song.

September 26 The Longest Walk

We were allowed to use the amenities at the hostel since we had rented a bed for the night, but we couldn't check into our room until 2 or 3. On this day and the next day I decided to take opportunities to leave Susan alone as much as possible. There was a large common kitchen room, which had two kitchens, and cubbies and refrigerators to store things. On any food you kept there you had to put a label with your name and the date of your check-out written on it. Anything that was there after checkout dates became free food for anyone who was there. This hostel was indeed very nice, and was larger than any I had seen in Japan. We were actually in one of the smaller rooms, a 10 person co-ed room. There were rooms with at least 20 if not more people in them. The showers had shampoo and soap dispensers like hotels in Japan, which I was relieved to find. There was a theater room where they played movies throughout the week, although not on the day we were staying there. The front counter girl was really nice, as were the rest of the staff. You had to keep your receipt or key on you at all times to show them for security reasons, although it was only really enforced at night.

That morning while Susan was making some breakfast for herself I decided to go out and find some food for myself. It was a combination of wanting to get away from Susan (for her sake more than mine... maybe to represent a bit that I didn't feel like I needed her to be around me all the time also) and wanting to go out and explore by myself and get food that Susan may not have been interested in. I asked her where the Safeway was, and she drew me a cute map with the hostel, some palm trees in the park outside, the marina, and the Safeway; it wasn't really incorrect but I ended up interpreting it in the wrong way and just walking back up into the marina district and getting lost. I found an organic food market and bought an apple and a bunch of cliff bars that were on sale (good move, actually). I ended up finding a trendy Indian restaurant, and Indian had been something I was craving, so I decided to check it out. It was like Indian food that was made by white people who were imitating Indian food, which was in a way disappointing, but it was still tasty and I was hungry. I discovered upon leaving that I had spilled it on my one pink, light colored shirt, which embarrassed me unreasonably. I guess leaving and trying to get back is where I actually became lost, and it took me quite awhile to get back to the hostel, which may have been a good thing given that I wanted to leave Susan alone anyway.

I met her back behind the hostel at the battery where we had slept surreptitiously the night before. I think this is the order of things... we spent to daytime periods around this hostel and I am having trouble not mixing them up. Oh well. Anyway I believe this is the day where we spent most of the day laying around in the area near the battery. I was very, very tired. Exhausted in fact. I don't think I had really had a good night of sleep in quite some time by this point in San Francisco. We spent a lot of time not doing anything around the hostel. My legs were starting to manifest their injuries because of all the walking we did. While we were walking the night before I was worried because I started to feel the ligament pain in my knee again, and my feet hurt a lot. This day I didn't feel too bad. Good thing, because this was Golden Gate Park day. This would end up being one of the most trying and strenuous days of my vacation, although also one of the most rewarding and beautiful.

You could see the Golden Gate Bridge from the park in which our hostel stood, and today is the day Susan wanted to take me on that tour. Starting in the late afternoon/early evening we started our walk toward the bridge. It's so large that it's hard to gauge how long it really takes to get over that - it loomed ever larger over the course of some indeterminate amount of time. Susan and I finally started talking about things that are actually of some importance to her. About what makes us happy, about our core beliefs in life. For an example, I remember one thing that Susan told me that is very different from how I think, but which I will probably not forget for a long time, if ever: "I'm not so interested in what objective reality is, but in what I can brainwash myself into believing that makes me happy." Susan is very intelligent, she could easily do as well in academics as me if she so chose. She is also perhaps much wiser than me. Or at least, she is very wise, and I am very impressed by the degree to which she exhibits both of those traits, so never take anything I quote from her to be held foolishly. The tension that had existed intensely in the morning faded as we began to talk about deeper things. I felt like I was with Susan again. Near the bridge I took the picture you see at the top of this post.

We held hands as we walked up toward the Presidio, where the real wealthy of San Francisco live, where there are lots of trees and big houses. We walked from there to the sand stairs down to Baker Beach, where we sat and danced across the edge of the tide. We could see the Golden Gate Bridge from the other side, lit up at night. As we walked back toward the path toward the city we met some foreigners shouting "Marco," who were actually looking for their son name Marco rather than playing the game (I'm glad I didn't shout Polo...), who asked us what they should do - call the police. I ate a cliff bar as we reached the pavement and we began the most excruciating walk of my life. My feet were in a lot of pain, in particular my left heel which had a blister that caused me terrible pain when we started walking after a pause and gradually faded into the general pain of my lower body as we continued. We walked in silence from there all the way back to the hostel, which took over an hour at a brisk pace. It even started to hurt Susan's feet, and she is much more accustomed to walking than me, so I know it was a rather grueling journey. I bought a growler when we were approaching the area of our hostel and drank it on a bench outside our hostel while Susan went inside to do whatever. I sat and drank the San Francisco beer and smoked cigarettes and called my mom for a short time before my phone ran out of batteries. Afterward I went in and passed out for the night, noting with dismay the note on our door that said that the following morning construction on the road outside our hostel would begin, loudly, at 7 or 8 in the morning. I passed out on the bunk above Susan.

September 25 (True Homelessness)

On the 25th we woke up on top of the van, collected our things, and climbed down to the area behind the co-op with the chickens and the shed. Susan went and took a shower, and I ended up not taking a shower because it was inconvenient. I went into the co-op and asked the peeps if there was a market somewhere within walking distance, and they got excited and told me about Berkeley Bowl. They decided to send us to little Berkeley Bowl, not big Berkeley Bowl. Also, someone came home with the weekly groceries while we were there and it was awesome - just a huge pile of delicious fruits and vegetables. I guess later on they were going to some kind of reunion for a co-op they had previously lived at, where over 150 people live! Wow.

Anyways Susan and I trekked over to Berkeley Bowl, a nice looking but unassuming grocery store. But its automatic doors were like the gates of heaven - Berkeley Bowl is the best grocery store ever. You can get organic produce there for less than half of what you can get it for anywhere else I've ever seen, and its abundance is amazing. The deli was pro, and their products all seemed to be of the highest quality. As Susan and I were eating our enormous banquet outside (total cost for both of us: Maybe $10 or $12, and enough food for the whole day), I considered taking Susan up on her offer to live in a room at that co-op with her just so we could eat at Berkeley Bowl for a month or two. Actually right now I wish I could have taken her up on that offer very much. She had told me about it the day before actually, and it wasn't really financially a good idea for me, but I was made happy by the offer. I wish I were there right now... A little. A lot? I'm very confused about my feelings for Susan and for my life here in Colorado.

I think this is the day that I started to really notice "the tension." I didn't really understand what it was at first. In fact, I would say that going in to the whole adventure I didn't REALLY understand Susan, or what I was doing there, or what I was feeling. Susan and I are very close, but it's not because we have a lot of discussions and agree about stuff. We've never really been that chatty. But for some reason I have always felt very close to her, and I did not understand why. During this particular trip we talked to each other very rarely, and due to my lack of understanding, this started to make me insecure. I started to feel some sort of tension that I attributed to being around her too much for too long - like maybe she was getting sick of me or whatever other insecurity I could conjure up in my mind. I would later find that when I began to have this feeling of tension around her she was either having it simultaneously or would pick up on it almost immediately, and my guess is that she was feeling it around this time as well. I don't know how but she is incredibly in tune with what I am feeling and she seems to pick up on every little nuance of it somehow. So at any rate, in the back of my mind there was a weird tension building up on this day that I did not understand and made me insecure, but I later would understand, and you also will come to understand once I make it a few more days through this blog.

After Berkeley Bowl we walked over to the BART and rode to the downtown area, then walked over to Mission St. (the Mission). This is where Hispanic people outnumber whites and you can get a unique bit of culture in San Francisco. Today we didn't have anywhere to stay at night yet, so I kind of planned on giving myself my belated birthday gift - a hotel or motel room. The first motel I checked was $168 for a single night. Susan said she knew of a cheap place over near the marina, where there wasn't as much stuff around, so we postponed until then. Susan also said motel rooms in San Fran. are disgusting and full of bugs, and that you probably can't keep your stuff in them because it will get stolen. Interesting.

First thing we decided to do around the Mission was to go to a tea bar to see if we could find information about places to stay for cheap. They had $5 all day tea at a small bar where maybe 4-6 people could sit and chat with each other and the "bartender," who was maybe a late 20s hippie who had been to India and was interesting and fun to talk to. She was talking to some other people about cleaning as catharsis, and I piped in that sometimes I like washing dishes because it's relaxing. She said I could wash her dishes any time, and I was like "if you let me sleep on your couch I'll clean your whole house!" Somehow it came to Susan being like "we're actually pretty serious," and then the bartender was like "...I'm being pretty serious too..." and that was about when Susan and I made a plan with our eyes - Susan was going to bring it up later and seal the deal. A ways in I offered her some fruit from Berkeley Bowl, and we all just sat there drinking tea and eating delicious strawberries and mini-grapes and talking. It was really enjoyable and I was actually getting kinda hopped up on all the tea I was drinking. Then a couple of guys who had also done a lot of traveling in Thailand and India came, and we hung out with them for awhile. A glance, then Susan brings up the staying proposition. We exchange numbers. It seemed like success, although as it turns out we would never use it, because she wasn't available that night when we would end up needing it.

So then we walked over to Mission St. There was more cool graffiti on the walls (I don't think I mentioned it but big graffiti murals are somewhat common in San Fran, and they're pretty cool). We checked out an art gallery, walked past a ton of discount grocery and random crap stores, Mexican restaurants, and saw a big band of drummers, a guitarist or two, and a singer doing some cool traditional(?) songs. You can't get Mexican food in Japan, so I was eager to try some here where it was more authentic than probably anywhere else I have ever been. We got some at a small place and walked over to a famous park whose name I don't remember to meet her good friend Jake.

At the park they were setting up for the weekly movie at the park - an inflatable screen on which they were going to project The Big Labowski. Susan and I (dunno about Jake) weren't too interested in the movie, so we sat more away from everything. The location turned out to be fortuitous because there was an invisible, really gross muddy pit kind of near us where we could watch people react in horror as they tried to cross it on their way toward the movie. So we had some fun doing watching that for awhile; the park was pretty cool - people were all just drinking and smoking weed out in the open. Sometimes people would notice that we were just sitting there watching them walk through the mud and react with amusement rather than anger. At first I thought I might not like Jake that much, as he seemed rather... flamboyant? Not gay mind you... I don't know. I'm sure there were lots of factors contributing to my negativity at that point. But then we bonded over how we know you need REM sleep or else you'll go crazy and kill the crew from Beverley Crusher of Star Trek TNG, and it was smooth sailing from there. Later Susan said she was worried I wouldn't like him until that happened, which made me laugh. I guess people in California are pretty sure weed is going to be made legal soon - the 3 biggest contributors to some politicians campaign are the people who won the bid for the huge marijuana grow houses that will feed the industry. It's going to be a big change. I was also struck, not just from Jake although I certainly got it a lot from him, with how paranoid people are in California about the environment destroying mankind. And just environmentalism in general there is much bigger. That's fine I guess. It seemed a little alarmist, but then again they could be right.

After awhile Jake left, it was dark, and Susan and I climbed up to the top of the park (it is on a hill). We looked out over the park and Susan said something to the effect of "it's pretty awesome right?" and I looked down at the huge park full of people watching a movie and I was like "yeah." Then I looked slightly up and saw the entire Marina district lit up - the capital, the bridge, the cool circular building I never asked the name of - and thought that was one of the most beautiful skylines I had ever seen. I got the feeling this was one of those things Susan had quietly planned to with with me that I so enjoy - like the first day she took me on a tour of Denver. She pointed all the landmarks out to me, and we started walking. She started telling me earnestly that the places we had been thus far were places she hadn't really spent that much time in, but that this is where she walked her circles and lived her life in San Francisco, making stories in her head and watching the people of this beautiful, wealthy city by the sea. She was speaking almost as though she were writing to me - eloquent and powerful, to me at least. I wanted to respond in kind but I couldn't find the words. I felt like she was talking to me on some level that I couldn't reach at the time.

We walked by the Safeway where all the people who are too drunk hang out and smoke cigarettes, the trendy club with the fire inside, the marina, with the masts of hundreds of ships contrasted darkly against the ocean. We hid our bags and sat in a tree together looking at that circular building - lit up gold and reflecting in the pool around it. Up and down and across the steep hills of beautiful houses and popular businesses, the street lights cascade like a yellow waterfall down into the sea. I saw her husband's house, where she had lived. We didn't speak much, except when Susan would tell me about the various dynamics and highlights of the area. I don't think I will try very hard to describe that night... it's ours. I probably learned more about Susan than I ever have in the past. Or at least I learned things that helped me put the pieces of her I had in my head together.

Eventually we looked for that cheap motel. All the motels on the street were not that cheap (although we didn't make it all the way to the one she was thinking of, which she had learned about from a pimp who told her that's where he stays for cheap), and they didn't have vacancies. We tried a hostel as well but it was full. Fuck. We're homeless tonight. This was rather ironic because earlier Jake had asked if we had spent a night walking the streets yet, and we said no, because we liked sleeping. Well, tonight's the night.

We walked back behind the hostel to some famous battery where there are a couple of picnic benches, and laid in the shadows of some trees, huddled together for warmth. I quickly started to freeze. When people would walk by I was worried - would they try to steal my stuff? Would they be police kicking us out of the park? I couldn't see them. Eventually we couldn't take the cold anymore and started walking again. We stayed by that pretty building again, sitting next to each other locking arms trying to stay warms with our black hoods up. Some valley girls having some party came and started blathering about how romantic it was, and referred to us as "the love couple," and asked if they could take our picture. We didn't say anything.

It was interesting being destitute and homeless in such an affluent area. I think it left kind of a bad taste in my mouth for some reason. It's washed away since then but I was a little bitter. We did some laps at the safeway to keep warm. Spent some time in the bleachers of an empty baseball park. Eventually we went to an IHOP and ate as slowly as possible. Lots of walking. After IHOP we went back to the baseball park and tried to get some rest, as it was only an hour or two from sunrise. I didn't sleep that well. Susan did some laps up and down the stairs to keep warm. In the morning she said she was tired of playing host and that she would probably stay at Jake's, which I understood kind of. She thought it wasn't a good combination that I have a tendency to put others before myself all the time, and she tends to care basically about herself. She asked me if I had any limits on that, and I explained my limits and why I do it, particularly in her case.

I didn't want to be on the streets and I never want to again, but I'm glad it happened. Certainly I got some insight I would not have had otherwise. Susan asked me what my plan was. I said I would probably try to enact my birthday plan in a more reasonable way, like, when places had vacancies and such. She said she didn't understand why I wanted that and that hostels are nice, so I said I would just take her advice and go to a hostel. She took me to the hostel that had been full the previous night, and to my surprise said she was going to rent a bed also. At some point, maybe before, maybe after this, she told me essentially that playing host was alright but she had to think about herself and her need for alone time. She never did really end up leaving me for any significant period while I was there, as she seemed close to doing that morning.

My Birthday

My birthday felt mostly like an ordinary day and I didn't think of it that much. I slept on Andrei's wood floor, which was a little difficult, so I was still a bit tired in the morning; I found it difficult to get up. Susan and I went over to a market pretty close to Andrei's place, where she loaded up on her usual diet - fruit and grains and some vegetables. I got some fruit, which was novel and very delicious smelling after being in Japan where you cannot easily get fruit. However, I opted to go over to a Subway close by for the rest of my food because $5 footlongs are a really good deal and comprise 2 meals for me.

We ate at the Subway, where I had my second encounter with our "unsolicited advice" problem. Now that I think of it the day before Susan and I had had what was to me a very weird altercation in which she was telling me about potential school plans, and I interpreted her to be judging them based on price. We were discussing various credit/payment schemes, and I tried to tell her that she might be able to go to a lot of places inexpensively if she chose ones that did 12+ as all the same price and then just took extra credits every semester to graduate early. I didn't realize while it was happening but sure enough Susan was suddenly very upset-seeming and annoyed that I had that. I guess I have never had someone react in such an intensely negative way to me trying to be helpful and it was very confusing. So at the time I just dropped it and Susan said she gets perhaps overly affected by people giving her unsolicited advice. I took note of this but I don't think I really understood the situation very well.

Anyways back at Subway I was thinking about how vegans, which I thought was Susan at the time but is in fact not, and I was like "you should really consider eating fish sometimes because it seems really healthy and likely to make you live longer" or something like that. Then I caught myself and said I realized that it was unsolicited advice and possibly apologized. She was silent for awhile. Then she ostracized me for various unhealthy things that I do and eat in the "you should consider not _____" form, which hurt my feelings. I don't think I ate anything other than fruits, vegetables, and stuff from markets around her ever again after that. I felt really upset about how she had handled that whole situation, as I felt that I was trying to express a positive suggestion that would be helpful with good intentions, and she responded by telling me that I shouldn't do anything I was doing at the time. I can recognize that it was probably irrelevant and stupid of me to make that suggestion in the first place. I guess having just watched Collin eat meat for a month influenced my thinking more than I realized. But I was really upset by her reaction and although I kept trying to get it out of my head and pass it off as just an unimportant incident, I couldn't. We walked silently to UC Berkeley and sat around there for awhile. Susan never talks unless it's absolutely necessary or she's high on caffeine, and I couldn't think of anything to say because I was trying to figure out how I felt about what happened and push it aside.

Eventually after Susan fell asleep under a tree at UC and I wandered around for awhile we were able to communicate again. We had some fun over at a huge It's Your Move style game store like so many couples I had watched come through my store on Pearl St. a year before. I am a lesbian unicorn, apparently.

We go and sit at a cafe where I do an LSAT practice thing and she goes and talks to her mom about unsolicited advice outside. When I'm done I reward myself with some thai iced tea. Susan comes back and brings up having talked about unsolicited advice with her mom, who also is not a fan. I don't want to talk about it. At first I think maybe it's all passed by now and start to enter the conversation, but then very quickly become conflict avoidant and try to shut down the conversation. I really don't want to talk about it because I feel like I don't understand where she's coming from and I would rather just totally avoid it ever coming up again. But it's too irresistible. So we talk about it some and she starts crying a little and I start tearing up, although I was unable to cry, and I felt kind of bad about the whole situation and realized how emotional of a subject this whole point is for her. She says it's good that we're crying together as a bonding experience. Things are kind of defused I guess. Actually I think it's over at this point but it will come back to rear its head again in the future. Chelsea calls Susan and they talk for awhile. I realize that I must not have my birthday on facebook.

I wasn't feeling too great about my birthday around this time. All I had really managed to do was do poorly on a practice test and make Susan cry, and then shortly after this clean at the house of some people I didn't know and feel like a random extra.

At this point I believe we walked over to the co-op where some friends Susan met at Burning Man, as well as at least one or two other Authentic World names, lived. The house is pretty large seeming; I didn't ever explore it really but I think like 15 people live there? Most of the people I met were gay guys who were pretty fun to talk to/be around. Or maybe they weren't? It doesn't really matter and I don't care at all what the orientation of the people I met was, but I am trying to be descriptive because this may be the only way I can remember anything about this in the future. There were chickens wandering around and one of the first people I met was Mike, a black dude wearing a bandanna with feathers coming down on either side of his head. Isn't this a unique place? Parked next to the house is Bass Bed, an art car that some of the people there helped build. It's a huge white van with a pink interior and a wooden frame with beds constructed around and on top. There are subwoofers beneath the mattresses on top of the bed. The idea is that you lay on top of it and play loud music and vibrate. So anyways Susan was here because she wanted to help clean out stuff that had been left at the house for burning man. I helped out as well because it feels weird to sit around while people are working around you. People at the house were really nice. It was kind of hard being "some guy." I met one of the Authentic World council members there - "T." He looked like a buff shirtless hippy (who shaves and has hygiene) with baggy pants that kind of reminded me of Aladdin's but more colorful. He and Susan shared a long hug and I felt jealousy. Stupidly, uncontrollably jealous. There are a lot of reasons why being jealous in this situation was stupid, not the least of which being that Susan is a lesbian, all of which I was aware of, but I still felt it and it was difficult to deal with. Anyways T is very nice and seems like a good guy.

After the cleaning T asked us if we wanted to go to a party they were having at some lake near there - they were taking Bass Bed. Why not? Now I have a birthday party. Strange how things work out when you're homeless and don't plan anything more than a day or two ahead, if that. So we pile into cars, and Susan, Mike and I into the back of Bass Bed (whose top speed is like 35 and you have to take on the flattest roads possible). We didn't really get there until it was almost dusk, and we didn't have lights, but we deployed the bed by a field. There were a fair number of us by the end, probably around a dozen or more. They played mostly dubstep and we danced and chatted and such. The moon was full and extremely bright, possibly a harvest moon. We had some light toys, including a sweet light-up hula-hoop. These girls of a family that was there that day, ranging from young to maybe a little older than me, all came over and tried out the hula-hoop and we clapped for them and that was all really cute and fun. I gave away a lot of Japanese cigarettes that night. While I was sitting on a curb a ways off by a trash can smoking a cigarette Susan came and sat next to me and actually seemed to want to talk some. It made me feel valuable and happy. I pointed out some constellations to her, or tried to but I don't know that many. After that I went over and talked to a Cuban guy named Joelle who had been away from home for over a decade in Italy, Mexico, and now America. He had a water bottle full of vodka, of which I partook while we talked for quite some time about traveling and feelings and such. After I did that for awhile I went and joined Susan on the bass bed for awhile, which was cold but nice. Eventually things were kind of winding down and we were a bit past curfew, so we decided to call it a night and pack things up. This was convenient because right when we finished packing a lot of the stuff up the cops rolled up. And 2 people had lost the keys to the vehicles. So someone was like "oh your headlights are actually really useful" and we told the dude we were looking for our keys, which thankfully we found before he decided to give us curfew tickets.

Back at the co-op we sat around at a table and drank tea and a couple of guys made fried tempei which was amazing. Then Susan and I got blankets and pillows and slept on top of Bass Bed outside. It was a little cold but not that bad. I noticed when I woke up once at night that everything seemed to be covered in water, which kind of freaked me out. But I didn't wake up soaked. Maybe damp? Who knows.

So that was my most unique birthday ever.

Arrival in San Francisco

Coming back to America was pretty confusing. Getting off the plane, depending on what ethnicity you resembled, the flight attendants would either say thank you or some Japanese pleasantry, and when they said "thank you" to me I thought to myself "oh you think I can't understand you because I'm a foreigner?" until I realized "wait... I live here and this is my native language." However, I would like to point out that at the airport bathroom they had a Dyson airblade, or something similarly named, which was about as amazing in the realm of hand drying as Dysons are in vacuum cleaners. It was pretty much what it sounds like - a blade of air that seems viscerally to slice through any wetness it comes into contact with. It was actually better than Japanese hand dryers, and those things are pretty awesome.

Let's see... when I went and gave the first dude my passport he asked me how long I was in Japan, and I told him, and then he asked what I was doing there and I said "a lot of traveling," and he said in what I perceived to be kind of an angry tone "no I asked what you were DOING there" and I was really confused. I thought maybe I had said something weird because it had been so long since I used English. My English is undoubtedly different and not as eloquent as before I left, or at least it was then. It's hard to resist the urge to think in Japanese, or plan what I'm going to say in Japanese, even though I'm not even that good at it. For instance, once when I was in a cafe with Susan (on the walls were painted graphic scenes of bondage and other sexual acts, but there was free wi-fi and people making leather trinkets at one of the table) I got up to go ask where the milk was. I started considering how I would make the person at the counter understand what I wanted to know, because I always had to plan out my questions to Japanese people. Then I realized that I speak English really well and it doesn't require any planning for me to go intuitively communicate with other Americans. Back at the airport the customs people seemed really surprised and confused that all I had was a backpack and kept asking me where my luggage was.

I took the BART train to downtown San Francisco to meet Susan, and waited there for a little while. There were surveillance cameras on the train, which was weird, and outside the station there were black people, which was weird, and I could understand what people were saying, which was weird. I have scarcely been as confused in my life. But it was a very entertaining confusion.

At some point I located Susan and seeing her again made me very happy. She seemed excited that I hadn't brought much, because as I would find out we were in for quite the homeless walking adventure experience. At first it was hard not to talk about Japan all the time. We walked over to a mall to sit and talk for awhile, then over to a movie theater where you can get free wi-fi. I basically had to live the 23rd twice in one "day," and I hadn't gotten much sleep on the plane, so I was pretty tired. It was initially very hard for me to figure out what I should be taking pictures of, because a lot of stuff that I assume would have surprised me at another time was seemingly commonplace after having come from Japan. We walked around a street that was mostly dedicated to sexuality in various respects - leather daddy stuff, cafe with bondage art, gay thrift store, sex shops, etc. Around random streets on the less nice side of downtown I guess. At the time I didn't really have any concept of the layout of the city so there was no context to the things I was seeing.

Eventually we went to Berkeley where our first couch-surfing host lived. We shared a vegan Ethiopian food platter, an event which at the time caused me some internal distress because the stuff I wanted to get there was expensive and I figured I would not as thoroughly enjoy the vegan platter Susan wanted, but at the same time Susan really obviously wanted Ethiopian food and I didn't want to take that away. In the end I chalk it up mostly to sleep-and-food-deprived grumpiness than anything. It wasn't a big deal anyway. Then we walked over to Andrei's place. I think he lived in two small cabin sort of things, one with the kitchen and couch we were sleeping on (and shower) and another one which was his bedroom, across a small courtyard. He was studying for the GRE, which he was taking the next day, but was more or less done when we got there at night. He offered that we drink some wine, so we all shared a bottle and talked a lot about traveling and other countries and JET and whatnot. Then I went out to offer him a Japanese cigarette, and Susan came out, and we had a discussion about... alternative modes of interaction with people? I think? It was kind of an initial glimpse of Susan's interest in connection and emotion. But also a discussion about the fundamental kinds of rules in communities of people, and about actually trying to discover what those are or what occurs when a particular set is implemented. I slept on the floor and Susan on the couch. I woke up 23.

Preview of San Francisco

I have, since I got here, couch surfed for the first time, slept on top of an art car called the bass bed, spent a night homeless on the streets, and learned a whole lot from an extremely intelligent and wise 20 year old girl who lives a completely different life from mine.

San Francisco is the most beautiful city I have ever been in. Especially at night.

Return to Tokyo

I arrived at my hole in the wall capsule hotel in Asakusa around midnight. I understand that most capsule hotels have cool space age capsules with controls and cool stuff inside. That was not my capsule hotel. In my room there were basically a bunch of horizontal cubbies with a curtain to cover the sides. There was a broken TV inside, and also a snake lamp the end of which was also broken so you couldn't actually make it point where you wanted it to. I guess there was a radio but... why would you listen to Japanese radio? I didn't even try it so it might've been broken too for all I know. The bed was actually quite comfortable, which I was happy about, but as it turns out there were a bunch of German frat d-bags (that's just how I would characterize them, I have no idea if they even have fraternities in Germany) who always came home at 6:00 in the morning after partying all night and made a ton of noise for an hour or two, and then later at 9:00 there was usually a bunch of noise from people, and really just at any time there would be some prick making noise. I especially hated crunchy chips guy, who at 1:30 in the morning was eating chips really loudly for like an entire hour. Or there was one morning where this Italian guy I guess was really drunk (which I heard later) and had to catch his plane (which he missed), but hadn't packed his stuff, so he just kept walking in and out of the room and unzipping and zipping his bag up over and over again for hours early in the morning. Basically, in spite of the fact that my bed was comfy, I don't think I ever really got a full night of sleep. Oh yeah and sometimes the buff German who was in the "capsule" above me would just stand naked in front of my capsule after he took a shower and walked in and out of the room (whose door was really loud by the way), which once gave me a nice surprise view of his junk.

Other than the sleeping issue the people were all really nice though. I was kind of done partying, but they invited me to go out with them if I had so desired. There was one really strange funny incident that happened while I was in the common room practicing the LSAT though. I was just listening to music and minding my own business, and there were Germans over in the opposite corner watching TV. This Asian guy sits down in the table in front of me and makes ramen for a little while. Then all of the sudden I hear him through my headphones just screaming at the top of his lungs for no reason. The other people look confused and ask him why he's screaming, and he just starts shouting like "fuck you! I hate you!" and such at them. He keeps screaming for awhile, which is really confusing, and then the people who own the place come up and ask him what's going on, and he acts all calm and says some really weird stuff about how nobody understands why he had to talk to someone or something. That was a little worrisome from my perspective - having some really crazy kid somewhere around where I sleep. Afterward the buff German guy talked to me about the incident a little bit and was talking about how Asian people are under a lot of stress and sometimes they just snap. At the end of the conversation he was like "watch your back," which was... strange? Not necessarily out of place for him to say, but strange that I was in that situation.

While I was there I usually just did LSAT stuff all day. I went over and saw sensoji again a couple of times, once in the day and once at night. I looked around the touristy shopping street for a couple of last gifts, but in the end decided to just walk back over to kappabashi (the kitchen and restaurant supply street) to get stuff because I figured it would be cheaper due to the absence of tons of gaijin, and I was right. Also on that walk I found an awesome 250 yen bento box place, which was amazing. After whatever I did in the day, I would grab a strong or two and sit out on the street, maybe smoke a couple of cigarettes and watch Japanese people at night. I saw a pretty incident in which a young guy and girl were walking across a sidewalk and the guy was so drunk that he fell over in the middle of the street. Somehow the girl had also lost one or both of her sandal/shoes. The girl was asking him to get up and come meet her across the street, but he kept laying there as a joke and started like pounding or kicking the ground in a kind of baby-like fashion, then threw one of her shoes over at her. Then cars started honking at him and he got up and crossed over and apologized to all the cars. It was pretty funny.

On my last night Akemi met up with me, and although I told her I just wanted to go somewhere cheap she of course took me to this really fancy place, which was apparently the first Western style restaurant in Tokyo. It was really great seeing her again, and just seeing anyone I could talk to again frankly. She was of course insistent on paying and bought a few really nice dishes that were really delicious. The place was really crowded, and you basically just sat anywhere you could fit, including next to other people. A ways into the dinner, this interesting guy showed up. If I understood correctly, some Chinese people had beaten him into a coma a few months before, and he had just woken up the day before. Akemi told me afterward that he was a weird guy because he only wanted to talk about himself all the time, which is true. It was also funny because while she was in the bathroom he told me that Japanese people always say he's a strange guy. I guess I didn't find him extremely strange, but I did want to talk more to Akemi than he really allowed. He kept showing Akemi like old blog posts of his and a newspaper article he was in and stuff, which she initially I think found interesting, but in the end was kind of bored of. However, the guy was pretty interesting. He had worked for Sony for like 23 or 27 years, and given away a patent he created for some kind of information collection and distribution system. He had really nice stuff, and I saw him take out a huge clip of bills that were of such a high denomination I had never seen them before. He let us eat his food, and also bought us a bunch of this drink that is famous for that area called "electric brown." It was really pretty good, but also really strong, and comes in a really small pitcher for that reason. So I got fairly drunk off that stuff. Afterward Akemi and I went over to a small bar for awhile, and I bought us a round of beers because I felt bad about her paying for all that stuff. She managed to barely make her train back, but said she wanted to meet me in the morning.

So I met her the next morning, and she insistently took me to this really awesome sushi place, maybe tsukiji sushi sen or zen. Definitely the best sushi I have ever eaten. The guy made me this really amazing tuna hand roll because it was my last day in Japan, and also had us try this weird Japanese pudding-like substance that rather than being sweet was, as Akemi put it "Japanese flavor." To be honest I don't usually like things with "Japanese flavor." It was okay and weird and hot, but with the consistency of pudding. I didn't get too much because I didn't want Akemi to have to pay a lot, but what I got was all amazing and it was plenty for my brunch. It was pouring rain outside, so in order to walk around I went to get a cheap umbrella. Amusingly about 1 minute after I started using it the wind blew it inside out and broke it. So in the end we went over to an arcade and did purikura, which was very amusing and girly. She helped me find the train back to the airport and we said our fairwells. She definitely made my last couple of days in Tokyo way better than they would have been and I'm really grateful for that. So that was the end of my Japanese adventure. Well, almost I guess. There was a Japanese guy sitting next to me on the plane who was going to go to Arizona, and I talked to him for a long while. He was surprised that I spoke Japanese and we talked about a wide variety of topics. Interestingly enough, he actually knew where Fukui is and really likes that place. That's where my friend John did his JET service and most people don't know about it.

I arrived in San Francisco a few hours before I left.

Oda

After we visited Nara, we took the train down to Oda, or actually we accidentally took the train to Ooda, which led to Kyle having to drive a little ways from the other, nearly identically named station, to our station. Meeting up with Kyle again was fantastic! I was madly hung over from drinking with Tomoko and Errol all night though, and had a pretty excruciating headache. The Shimabe area in general is really beautiful; roughly as beautiful as Hokkaido, actually, although in different ways. There are lots of mountains and the plant-life is very lush and jungly. The first day we were there Kyle took us to a small delicious Indian place where I was able to eat and drink enough to make my headache subside, then we went to meet up with Kyle's JET friends at Jusco, which is the biggest and best supermaket I have seen in Japan. We all gaijin-smashed the place (a term used by gaijin when a large group of us all converge on an area, which is usually a crazy strange sight to Japanese people). The meeting and shopping took far longer than planned, but it was okay. Kyle's friends are all really nice and seemingly great people, and I'm glad he's got such a great community around him there. It was a little intimidating being the person no one knew out of, in the end, like 20 people, and having to remember all their names and not mix them up and whatnot. Although I found that to not be as hard as I was expecting, perhaps because they were all worth remembering.

After stocking up at Jusco we all went back to Kyle's place, which is a really nice Japanese style house in a small neighbourhood of really nice houses. He has a tatami room, as well as a pretty decent kitchen, a living room, his room, a bathroom and a laundry room at least that I remember. We all organized slowly and headed out to the beach near Kyle's house, but only after we all got crazy worried because a girl whose name I knew at the time tried to use Kyle's key in her car and we all thought the steering block was locked and we wouldn't be able to move the car out of the street where it was parked. Down at the beach more people showed up to the party, including a South African guy who gave us a really funny retelling of the history of South Africa, and a Japanese guy named Keishin who was into electronic music. We all got pretty drunk, set off fireworks, ate food, and generally had a great time hanging out and being young at the beach long into the night. We couldn't really swim though because the people who tried got stung by jellyfish like 2 seconds after starting. After that we walked back to Kyle's place to continue the drinking and hanging out. We played some beer pong, during which Kyle and I won a big Europe vs. America match, which was a lot of fun. We also learned a bunch of Irish slang, which is truly hilarious stuff. I wish I had an Irish accent. I made it well into the night, after most people had passed out, which I'm pretty proud of since I was pretty much ready to go to bed by the time Kyle picked us up at the train station. Probably over the course of my night in Osaka and my first night in Oda I had over 20 drinks. Not to mention the night before we went to Osaka in Kyoto, where I probably had like 7 drinks at Karaoke with Kenji and his friend. So those were definitely my drunkest days in Japan, I think with Osaka taking the cake thanks to the fancy Shabu Shabu restaurant.

Next day at Kyle's was largely spent resting, doing laundry, and not doing stuff for once. In the morning we gaijin smashed "Joyful," which, other than actual Denny's, is the Denny's of Japan. They have basically a lot of really unhealthy food there, out of which I picked a cheeseburger (no bread) with the cheese on the inside. It was delicious... and yet kind of disgusting in its own way. That way had nothing to do with the flavor though. They also had unlimited drinks for 200 yen. It was kind of weird - they had a machine for cold drinks, but they all came out hot so you just had to fill your glass with ice and wait for them to cool. There was also a really disgusting drink that Keishin showed us, which was green and hot and tasted like salt-water but more disgusting. At night we went over to Erin's house, who is another JET from Maine that lives really close to Kyle and who we met at the birthday party. I liked Erin a lot and we all had a lot of fun going to Yakinikku that night. Yakinikku is basically raw beef and vegetables that you cook on a heating thing in the center of your table. It may have been the most delicious thing I ate in Japan; not sure. Afterward we went back to Erin's for a bit and drank and played Poker with yen as chips.

Then the next day was already time to leave, which was unreal. I had left my wallet at Erin's, and Garrett had a lot of packing to do before we left, so I was a couple of minutes from missing my train, and since my JR pass ran out that day, if I had missed it I would not have had enough money for tickets back to Tokyo to get home. That was a very tense car ride for me. But I made it, and road the trains for like 9 hours to get back to Tokyo and found my hotel at about midnight.

Thanks for an awesome time Kyle!

Nara

After Kyoto we took the train over to Nara. The hostel wasn't open until 4:00pm, which was a little disappointing, but we were able to leave our stuff by the door in a small room. From the outside we were afraid it was going to be kind of a hole in the wall place, as it was on the 4th floor of some random building and didn't necessarily leave an impression on the outside. As we found out though it was actually quite nice; the proprietor spoke really good English with very little Japanese accent. The room was nice, with bunks for everyone and a small computer with internet.

First thing we did was take the train into the main area of Nara, where there are tons of deer just wandering around and which are so domesticated that you can just walk up and pet them. You can also buy deer crackers there to feed them, or frankly just feed them paper, although you're not supposed to for obvious reasons. It's kind of weird - the people sell deer crackers right out in the open, and they're just sitting right out where the deer could take them, but they never do. They will chase people around who have them, but apparently the deer also do not believe in stealing here. Nara is like elementary school and middle school field trip paradise, so there were tons of kids there, who loved getting chased around by the deer. I think we went to a place called Daishokuji, whichwas a big temple and a big pagoda. I guess on the inside there's a big 6 armed buddha or something, but I didn't go in because you have to pay. Afterward we walked over to what I guess was the biggest wooden building in Japan, or maybe just the biggest wooden temple, which you could see from a long way away. There are even more deer on the way up there, and progressively more souvenier shops. I paid the 500 yen to go into it - I don't remember the name but it undoubtedly starts with dai and probably ends with ji - and there is a really huge awesome buddha, as well as some other pretty impressive statues. There are also impressively large souvenier shops, of course. Then we got caught for a little while in a torrential downpour under a huge gate with hundreds of Japanese middle and elementary schoolers.

Then we went back to the hostel and met the proprietor and everything. Garrett made some yakisoba, and I made some ramen for myself. We met an Italian buddhist who was really cool and fun to talk to. Then after getting a little strong we stood out on the balcony and talked to the guy who owned the place for awhile. He told me I have really good pronunciation in Japanese, which was actually probably a legitimate compliment, rather than the usual "jyozu desu ne" that they give you here. I swear even if you only spoke English you would think your name is Jyozu from how often you get that meaningless compliment. Anyways I asked him whatI should do to improve my skillz, and he said I should read children's books and watch children's TV, which is probably good advice. Next morning we were going to go visit some more stuff in central Nara - actually just climb this hill up to a shrine overlooking the city, which was really pretty. The hostel owner actually drove us over there which was really nice of him. After the shrine we walked over to a "great" shrine, maybe taisenji or something like that. It was basically a bazillion stone lanterns and some gates, but I guess it's on the international list of human cultural artifacts. We were getting a little tired of walking after that, so we went and got our stuff back and took the train to Osaka.

Overall I would say Nara was one of my favorite places in Japan so far, although it is quite touristy. But it was very beautiful and I loved the atmosphere and the deer. The temples were also quite impressive and didn't take too much legwork to get to.

Long awaited update

First of all, I am typing on a Japanese keyboard at a Capsule Hotel and it is not easy to do contractions, so this will be awkwardly contraction free so I can hurry things up a little. So I guess I left off at Kyoto. We rented a fairly nice hotel there for a couple of days (for cheap, because of the internets). Amusingly without manually entering a channel number you could only get previews of mosaic filtered (pixelated genitalia) porn. There was an upskirt channel also that was pixelated even though all the girls had panties on, which was pretty funny. Actually I do not think there is anything in Japanese TV which is not pretty funny. The feeling I usually get out of any given Japanese show is total confusion, or confused bemusement.

The first day we were there we went to Inarimaebashou, or something similarly named that you can find on Collin`s blog, which is basically a shitload of Tori gates up some paths in a nature area of Kyoto. It was cool, although we didn`t go that far because Collin was still in a lot of pain and I did not want to leave him sitting there while I did a hike even though I am sure he would not have had complaints if I had (but we all know Collin does not complain about many things). I actually kind of like that they do not try to hide the fact that you have to pay gods here. In Christianity I feel like they try to thinly veil paying God because it is kind of silly, but here it is just a normal idea. I think nowadays most of that money goes toward restoring and maintaining the monuments. But the gate place basically had a gate from every company in Japan donated to it, which was many thousands. It was kind of funny because a lot of them are like, used car companies, or similarly silly things to be at a big historical monument. But I thought it was neat, and it was neat that it was in the middle (not totally literally although literally enough) of a city.

That night we tried to go check out the Gion district. Apparently it is a place where you can go to try and catch a glimpse of geisha as they go somewhere from early evening engagements. There is also a really pretty river there at night. But actually on the way Garrett wanted to find an Izakaya he knew of, and when we asked a group of young Japanese guys where it was we happened to be right next to it and they were like ''yeah let's go get drunk together!!!!'' so we went and did that. It was 300 yen for anything, which is awesome. You could get some huge beers for 300 yen there. Their names were Daisuke, who spoke the best English, Kenji, who was cool and had a place kind of nearby, and Masa, who was illegally drunk at 19, and man was he drunk. He just kept telling us how much he love American, and asking us where we were from. Daisuke was a little embarassed on his behalf I think. Anyway we spent the night drinking with them and talking and exchanging contact info (damn I've met a lot of people and gotten their info here). They invited us to go play wii games with them, but we wanted to go sleep at our hotel because we paid for it and there were beds.

The next day Garrett and Collin went out to the Philosophers' trail and did some sight-seeing. I had my freak-out about money and did not want to go, which probably turned out to be an okay, although depressing, decision. I had spend 1200 yen on a train/bus pass the day before, and that would definitely be necessary again, along with the money for getting into temples, and the money for buses if Garrett and Collin (who actually are in much worse physical condition than me now for some reason) if they wanted, and random trains that were not included, and gifts, and blah blah blah money bleeding. So that day I hung out and talked over Skype to my high school friend Lauren for awhile, which was fun, and did not do much, and then went and wandered the area around our hotel, which had like 3 cool little temples and the museum of Kyoto, as it turned out.

That night we went to a yakisoba place we tried the first night, which was cheap and delicious, although I did not get anything for the aforementioned responsibility-mode reasons. We met Kenji and a friend of his there, then went to a karaoke place. Actually we went and got some cheap liquor to sneak into the karaoke place and then went there. That was probably the first time those Japanese people have ever broken any rule in their lives, and they giggled about it and called it Secret Sake. I thought that was pretty funny. Karaoke was actually very fun just like everyone says it is here. You get a small room with couches, and you can smoke and drink in there and you get as many drinks as you want, although I do not think the alcoholic drinks we got there were very alcoholic. I think that was about all we did that night. We talked to them for a little while in our hotel room before leaving, and then I watched soccer until I fell asleep. Next day was Nara time, and I'll pick up with a post about that tomorrow hopefully. Hope you all are doing well. At the moment I am staying in a capsule. Yep. It is a little lonely now that Garrett and Collin are gone, but now they do not have to keep being around me which I am sure becomes grating, and I can do whatever I want. Which is probably going to be studying the LSAT. Actually on the 8 hour train ride over here I wrote half of a song which is cool. Looking forward to making music with Tom when I get back. The end.

Kyoto

Having fun in Kyoto so far in spite of monetary woes. As a preview of the post to come, we met some random young people here last night and got drunk with them at a cheap izakaya, and they invited us to go play wii games with them later tonight. So I'm soon off to do that.

The Downward Spiral

My good friend Tom offered to lend me 10,000 yen, and this is what I felt I had to say to him, aside from that I was very grateful and touched:

I don't really know what to do. Collin and Garrett went to the philosophers' trail today, which is something I really wanted to do, but I feel like I can't really afford all the train and bus fares, and all the constant expenses that occur whenever you leave your hotel here. Seems like everywhere I go I'm just bleeding money. I've already racked up more debt than I wanted on this trip, and spent more of my cash than I had hoped, and I feel like it needs to stop somewhere and it won't if I just keep asking people for money. I already had to ask my dad if he would loan me money just so I can apply to law school. I don't have a job and I don't know when I'm going to have any money. I don't know where I'm going to live when I get back; probably I will have to live with my parents, which in itself is not that bad, but then I would have to get a job in the middle of nowhere and I would be unable to move into my own place somewhere else where I could actually do the things I want to do that my parents probably wouldn't be okay with or be around my friends while I'm still in Colorado.

I really want to take you up on your offer, but then I will just keep spending and spending and spending and it's not a realistic way for me to live right now. I feel like if I'm given the means I will just keep accumulating more debt, the weight of which is already starting to crush me. Like, if I don't stop now, when will I? Where will I draw the line if not right now? I can just keep on justifying the money I spend with "I'm only in Japan now" forever, but that justification doesn't mean anything with respect to my actual financial situation. I've gotten myself into this mess and I feel like the only thing I can do about it right now is stop digging the hole deeper and deeper.

Right now I have like 7000 yen left probably, maybe a little more, and I'm just trying to save enough of it to do something with my friends who are living in Japan on the 17th and then Kyle after that, any hopefully get a gift or two for my parents and Cheri and maybe a couple of other people.

So yeah, I desperately want to take your money, and it would be used to party like a rockstar I'm sure, but basically I am too depressed right now to do so.


Fuck.
I wouldn't say I regret anything about what I've done here so far, but you can still find yourself in a dark place walking a path that was entirely well lit.

Anyways I'm not in trouble or anything; I still have enough money and I could withdraw more if I so chose. It's more that I need to be a little more responsible by maybe doing less of the things I had hoped to do to save some money instead of feeding myself irrelevant justifications for spending.

The rest of Hokkaido

We got back from Rebun and walked to the Rider House, which took a long time and kind of sucked. When we got there no one was there so we used a big sink upstairs to shower (there was no shower there) and devoured a bunch of ramen before getting on the train. We stayed at a really cool rider house in Furano I think, which was right by Yamabe, where we were planning to go hiking. It was kind of a cabin in the woods, but it had laundry machines and there were maybe 6 other Japanese people there who actually were "riders" meaning either that the were biking aroud Hokkaido or their job was somehow riding motorcycles around doing something about "communications." Anyways they were nice but had basically no interest at all in talking to us, which was kind of nice. It was nice to feel like "just some guy" there and not be singled out for being white.

Next day we took the train to Yamabe and geared up for our two day hike up Ashibetsudake. I got a knee brace, which helped me immensely, as did Collin (it was his wise idea), and we all got basically a bunch of bread and 2 liters each of water. It's a 3km walk up to the trail head from Yamabe, and carrying all our stuff that really sucked, so we managed to hitch-hike with a cool mom in a minivan who had been to America and so didn't think we were scary. We went into a house/eating establishment to ask if they had coin lockers for us to use to keep our non-essential stuff, and the nice old lady who ran the place said we didn't have to pay anything and she would keep our stuff. She also warned us to take enough water.

The first day of hiking was really awesome; it was basically a trail through a lush jungle and up to a set of 3 pretty spectacular waterfalls. The trail itself was pretty intense; it was usually only the width of both my feet together, and sometimes more narrow. They had big rocks with chains at the top you had to repel down and chasms you had to jump over. In general it was kind of a roller-coaster but the first day was only like 4.5 or 5 km so it wasn't that bad. However, it was and would continue to be pretty dangerous; the path was frequently really dangerously narrow, with one or both sides leading down into a rocky river or down a mountainside. Collin also lost his water trying to do one of the repels with it under his arm, so that left us with just my 2-liter and Garrett's camelbak. At the end of the first day there was a cabin where we stayed for the night. We gathered some wood and used rocks to make a fire pit by the side of the river. It was kind of hard to get going because everything there is wet obviously, but it worked and it was a nice night. A group of 4 Japanese hikers came before sunset but they weren't really interested in us and just made food in the cabin all night.

The next day we thought would be around 11 km, but I think it was more like 12-15km. It was a difficult and dangerous hike to say the least. The first part was literally hiking up a steep waterfall, which was wet, muddy, and at times scary. There was one part where you had to basically sidle around a steep gravel wall with maybe a 20 degree incline with no path whatsoever and just a rocky falls below you, and I almost lost my footing and fell. Luckily I grabbed a root that was sturdy enough to hold me, but if it hadn't I could easily have died. In general on the hike I got the feeling that I could easily die, so I was taking it pretty slow. Well, not that slow, because we still passed all the Japanese hikers on the trail except an intense grandpa and a young guy or two who were doing it all in one day by themselves, which amazes me. After the climb up the waterfall, which was pretty tiring, I think was the long part of the trail where it was so overgrown that you couldn't really see the trail and the plant life cut up my arms and legs pretty well. You could see that the path was cleared if you could see down to it, but from above it literally was just a sea of plants. Then was several kilometers of going up and down every peak (maybe 6 or more) on a ridge of shark tooth-like mountains, before reaching the very tallest one which was like 1700km. That was pretty trying, and there were no clouds so it was hot. The summit is also about where we ran out of water. Collin and Garrett also have a different philosophy about hiking than me which was basically that if you're faster than someone you should race ahead of them until they're out of sight and eventually wait for them to catch up with you. Well, I am out of shape and have shorter legs and a heavier pack which was just a school backpack and I'm obviously weaker, and I was afraid of dying, so I was mostly going slower than them, and that meant I never really saw or heard from them except sometimes when they would stop for me to catch up, and then sometimes just keep moving on anyway. Personally when I go hiking with people I would rather slow down for them by being close enough that I can talk to them or at least see how they're doing the trail and make sure they don't fall. I'm not saying they're bad people or that they did anything wrong, but it resulted in me doing a large proportion of the hike basically by myself, which kind of sucked for me. And to be fair, when I'm annoyed I usually just don't say anything about it, and I didn't want to slow them down if they wanted to go faster, so they had no real way of knowing what I wanted anyway. The hike was still really great and fun though and I'm glad Garrett found it. The way down was actually one of the worst parts, because it was a really steep incline entirely paved in sharp rocks which really hurt my feet. By the end my legs were so weak I wasn't sure if they were going to make it. Basically in my head I was saying "I know I have to make it the rest of the way but I'm not sure how I'm going to yet" just when we finally reached the end. So that was definitely the most difficult hike I've ever done. But it was quite beautiful and I have some great pictures.

When we got back to the white house to get our stuff, the lady was really nice, and gave us slices of cantaloupe and ice water. Collin gave her one of our Colorado tea set gifts in return and we headed over to Seico-mart to devour bowls of ramen like hungry hungry hobos. We definitely took a taxi back to town rather than walk the 3km or even risk hitch-hiking, as we had a train to catch back to Sapporo. We checked into a tiny hotel room, had a couple of strongs and showers and went to bed. I discovered in the shower that I picked up a couple of small ticks along the way, which was pretty nasty. We're all pretty beaten up from the hike; Garrett's calves and knee I guess hurt, Collin's feet are covered in blisters, and my whole body is just in general very sore. I might have a blister or two as well. Also my arms and legs are covered in cuts and scratches and the back of my right knee where my brace was got rubbed off on one of the hamstrings. Fortunately the next day (now yesterday) was pretty much entirely spent on trains down here to Kyoto, where we're staying in a pretty cheap hotel for a few days. We slept until about noon today. I'm not sure what we're going to do here in Kyoto but I don't have a ton of money left and I somehow used more of my credit than I had thought possible, so I'm not going to be doing much if it involves spending money. We did get some cheap yakisoba last night which was super delicious though... the end.