I don't think I'm doing a very good job of this. Or at least, it's not really living up to my expectations.
In fact, I don't think I can do this.
On the 29th we went over to the waterfront near Berkeley, next to a place called the landfill, and sat around for awhile. I started to consider the idea of why I feel jealousy, and decided it's probably rooted in my insecurity and some sort of inferiority complex that I have had since before I was even in second grade. Then we went to Berkeley Bowl; the only particular highlight of which I remember was a very long hug before we went in, as we had had a rather emotional conversation immediately preceding. Then we went back to the downtown area and had a food coma in the grass beneath some palm trees. I had a couple of beers and Susan had some caffeine. Susan almost never talks, except when she's high on caffeine, at which point she starts talking a lot, which I find really cute. We had another emotional conversation. Then we walked down to fisherman's wharf, where I ate at In n' Out Burger, we saw a guy dressed up as a dog who had two dogs wearing hats and sunglasses, and some dudes asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed with them. But we were in a hurry to get back to the floor we were sleeping on to not keep up our host.
As I mentioned, we had a couple of "emotional conversations," aka "fights?" or maybe "conflicts." One interesting thing that occurred therein was that Susan said that my getting kind of angry made her excited. I don't want to put words in her mouth but I presume excited that something was happening. I can see how ordinary conversation would get boring if you're used to only having intense emotional ones.
I also became tempted by two ideas: Hiding, which in the end I think I will still dismiss, and relatedly an idea that goes kind of like "if everyone is just going to do what they want and that has nothing to do with how I think or feel, then what's the point of expressing things that are going to cause some sort of conflict with this person?" But I think that essentially boils down to this: "If I can't change someone by saying something, I may as well not say anything at all," and I think in the end that that is absurd. I have to believe that the point of all conversation is not to change other people. And in practice I would say that communication, even that which causes conflict (which I believe one CAN find enjoyable in any case) is better than its lack.
Oh yes, and earlier I said that I would explain "the tension." When it comes down to it this is basically the feeling that I, and I believe Susan also, feel when I am not in tune with what she is feeling. Like, if I am mulling or brooding over a problem, or if I am confused, or just generally not expressing myself, then Susan picks up on that feeling, but for her it feels like... feeling uncomfortable for some reason and not knowing why she can't feel okay around me, and then that in turn feeds back on itself and I feel uncomfortable because I start perceiving her feeling uncomfortable. At least, that's what I think it is right now. Obviously I can never know what she's feeling at any given moment. But certainly one of our conflicts was resolved in large part just from me telling her that I was feeling some kind of problem or discomfort, and that made her feel better because she knew that she wasn't feeling weird for no reason, and that in turn made me feel a little better because we were coming to some kind of mutual understanding.
Overall this day with all its conflicts and emotional ups and downs was one of the best.
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